Sunday, October 7, 2012

Back in the Saddle

Hello everyone! Where do I begin? First by admitting that I disappeared for a bit. I took the summer off from blogging. I tried to maintain eating PINK but will fully admit that I strayed some, it certainly is hard to stay PINK while out vacationing and camping but I didn't do awful. I was pretty darn good until August and then a couple of silly things happened that sent my emotions into a tail spin. I am an emotional eater, always have been. The result of the poor eating and exercising choices made due to my emotional termoil was a weight gain of 6 pounds. I was surprised to find out just how powerful emotions can be in determining the food and exercise choices I make.


First, right around the beginning of August I had to go to the DMV to get my license replaced because I lost it while running in the Spartan Race. (Boy was that a fun experience, and yes that is me.) While waiting for 2+ hours at the DMV another gentleman there hit on me. Long story short he handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it and said he thought I was nice and cute and that he would like to see me again. Yes, it was flattering. I had not been hit on in a very very long time. While it was flattering and did wonders for my self esteem, it made me feel uncomfortable. How is that for an oxymoron? I hate getting attention from men due to previous experiences in life. Subconsciously, I believe I ate myself fat as a way of protecting myself from all the bad things that "could" happen to me if people found me attractive. My  fat is/was my shield of protection. So to get this unwanted attention made me feel uncomfortable and fear that I could be in danger of getting hurt again which I believe attributed to me making bad food and exercise choices this summer. (Does that make sense to anyone else? If not that is okay, it makes sense to me.)

Secondly, in the middle of August, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary with a few days away in Las Vegas. This was a much anticipated trip because we hardly ever get  away without our 3 children. When we arrived in Vegas, we went to pick up a rental car and as we stepped up to the counter, the woman who worked there said to me, "How far along are you?" I knew that I must have heard her wrong because I had just spend the last six months working hard to lose 50 pounds, surely she wasn't asking me if I was pregnant, was she? I replied, "Excuse me?" and she said, "When are you due?" I told her, "Oh, no, I am not pregnant" and maintained my composure. The woman was mortified and wasn't trying to be mean, but man oh, man did those words hurt. We got to our rental car and I burst into tears. I thought to myself why in the world am I working so hard to lose weight if I am still going to look pregnant. Let's just say the eating went down hill right with my emotions. Wow, do words have a ton of power if you allow them to.

I allowed those words to have more power than they ever deserved. I dwelt on that one comment for weeks to come. That comment took my self esteem from sky high to right back where it was before I started PINK which was rock bottom. Now, looking back I can see this, but in that moment all of my old habits and thought processes flood back and slapped me in the face.

So here I am today...I started reset again this past Monday and lost the 6 pounds I gained back this summer. I have another week to go on reset and then I plan to start phase 1 all over again. I am not going to allow the fear of being hurt by words or actions have power over my weight and ultimately my health anymore. So if you gave up on yourself this summer for some silly reasons like I did, I have one question for you, will you join me again in trying to find your healthy self?    
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